LAST BUT NOT LEASHED

I was shopping at Nordstrom the other day. I like their service. It is expensive but on sale days it is worth it. I usually go to Target or Marshall’s three or four times and maybe the 99¢ Store once or twice before I reward myself with a trip to Nordstrom. This is one of the highlights of my summer which tells you a lot about the excitement in my life but that’s another story.

Imagine the anticipation I felt while approaching the big Nordstrom glass doors, excitedly pulling the door open, finally crossing the threshold… and stepping in a puddle of dog pee. Too late I noticed the small yellow Piso Mojado sandwich board sign usually seen on restroom floors. A salesman fast approached, asking if I was okay and another came with a mop as I was picking myself off the ground. The canine perpetrator, one of those irritating little Pomeranians or Shih Tzus, apparently offended that I had disturbed his art work, was being restrained by its well meaning owner who was calmly whispering in the dog’s ear “No growling, Bernard, the man didn’t see your wee wee.” Bernard’s owner, a woman in her late 60’s, nimbly picked up the dog after I made several attempts to strangle it and scurried to the lingerie section, knowing that no self-respecting man would trespass that area unaccompanied. The most surprising thing about the entire incident was not that the woman continued shopping with her dog, but that I encountered two other dogs in the store later in the hour.

Somehow, during the last few years, dogs have gotten out of control; or rather dog owners have gotten out of control. It is one thing to be considered ‘Man’s Best Friend,’ but dogs in America have now attained status comparable to cows in India. This is a direct result of the aggressive and egotistical way dog owners have been allowed to behave. Nordstrom, a store that prides itself on customer service has been cowed (sorry) into allowing animals in their store. Perhaps the lawsuit I am planning to serve them will help change their mind. I was very happy to see that Ralphs, a grocery store, has finally put up signs requesting no animals be brought into the store, other than guide dogs.

This brings me to another example of the selfish and narcissistic dog owner: therapy dogs. Therapy dogs? This is a new term, possibly invented by a disgruntled patient who vainly spent years paying a ‘therapy human’ at $180 an hour. I can’t say I blame him except aren’t all dogs therapy dogs?

My friend’s apartment complex imposes a surcharge for residents with dogs, but therapy dogs are an exception. As long as a doctor signs a note stating that the dog is used for therapeutic purposes, the $200 a month ‘dog fee’ is waived. I have been a dog owner all my life. I am always in a better mood when I come home and my dog, Gypsy, comes running to see me. That is therapy in itself. Little did I know that if I sit Gypsy on my lap and tell her the Oedipal fantasies I have about my mother, I can save on rent.

There was a fad several years ago. People used to put little yellow signs on the rear window of their car proclaiming ‘Baby on Board,’ as if the driver of the car deserved special consideration for transporting a creature almost everyone else in the entire universe was also transporting. I have a theory that those same jerks in the cars are now the ones bringing their dogs into Nordstrom and claiming rent discounts for animal therapy.

They aren’t dog lovers, they are dog abusers. Give my dog an old sock to smell or my dirty underwear and she’ll be your friend forever. What self-respecting dog would want to spend an afternoon sniffing clean dress shirts? Dogs belong near fire hydrants not costume jewelry. The next time I see a dog in a store I’m going to call the SPCA or 911. And if you ever run into a suspicious psychiatrist named Bernard, make sure you ask to see his papers first.