MASK-ULINITY

“Dem airplanes don’t fly like they useta,” bellowed my Uncle Clem as I picked him up from the airport.

“Goldarn masks they make ya wear. Covid, baloney! Only sick I ever get on a plane is from that rubber chicken they serve ya.”

“We’re in Los Angeles now,” I announced. “Everyone has to wear a mask. Besides, I know they have Covid in Arkansas, Uncle Clem.”

“I never see’d it. They’s all about takin’ yer rights away. This is a free country. Back in Arkansas we just tell people we got a right to die if we want to. Heck, we’re macho. We’re all Republicans back home,” he proudly announced.

“Tell you the truth, Uncle Clem, I always wanted to be a Republican. I just never had enough money.”

Clem nodded curiously. We got in the car and began to drive back to Manhattan Beach.

“But tell me, Uncle, don’t you believe in science?”

“I believe whatever President Trump tells me.”

“But Trump said he thought Lysol would clean out your insides and stop Covid,” I pointed out.

“I know, and guess what? I done tried it. And guess what else? I ain’t got the virus yet neither. This whole thing’s a hoax. Them liberal commies just tryin’ to take away your rights.”

“Uncle Clem, did you notice that Americans can’t travel ANYWHERE in the world right now? Every country says they don’t want us because we can’t control the virus. This is Trump’s America. The whole world wants nothing to do with us.”

“Are you tellin me I cain’t go to no fer’n countries like Canada or Hawaii no more? I guess I’ll just spend my money where ever’body is a king: Walmart.”

“But Uncle, you know you can’t even go to Walmart now without a mask.”

“This ain’t my America,” he cried. “I learnt in school we’s the best dern place in the world and I got me a good edoocation so it must be true.”

Before I could answer we passed some signs on neighborhood lawns.

“Hey what are those Thank You MBPD and MBFD signs?” he excitedly asked.

“Oh those are the people who coincidentally decided to thank the police right after the nationwide protests against police brutality. They all pretend they simply happened to come up with this great idea just about the same time George Floyd was killed. Most of them probably have a lot in common with you, Uncle Clem.”

A sly smile crossed my face.

“But speaking of education, there’s a lot of people here in Manhattan Beach who want to villiify teachers. They think that teachers’ concerns about spreading the virus by putting kids back in school before it’s safe means that they’re… Commies… or liberals… or some other bad word. Come to think of it, they’re probably the same people as the ones with Thank You MBPD on their lawns.”

Uncle Clem paused.

“I know kids are dirty creeturs, that’s fer sure. Why I got a hog back home that’s cleaner than my grandson, Willard. Better manners too.”

“Anyways, all I know is Trump ain’t wearin’ no mask and no right minded Republican would either. ‘Sides I’m in a low risk category; I’m only 58,

I don’t have diabetes, heart problems or any other conditions.”

“But Uncle you’re in the highest risk category of all. Did you know that 88% of the people who have gotten Covid are Republicans?”

Uncle Clem paused, looked around and whispered, “Do ya happen to know anywheres I can change my voter registration?”