WHY I DON'T WATCH FOOTBALL

Let me count the ways. I won’t even include the incessant and relentless commercials that sometimes manage to be more entertaining than the actual game, which is either a sad commentary on football or a backhand compliment to the ad industry. As an aside, let me be clear as I begin this blog that the ad industry will receive kudos from me on the rarest of occasions; this is not one of those.

No, the primary reason I do not watch football is because not even the referees know the rules of the game. You would expect the people in charge to have an understanding of the events but they don’t. And if they don’t have a grasp then how can the average weekend warrior understand it. The people actually charged with administering and controlling the game are not able to conduct it without having a conference every two or three plays to determine the legality of a catch, a fumble, a penalty or any of the countless situations occurring throughout the game.

Was the quarterback’s hand going forward at the point of contact? Let’s stop the game and have a meeting to discuss it. Did the ball hit the ground before or after the receiver got control of the ball? Let’s have another meeting? Did the receiver even have control of the ball? You guessed it. Another meeting. In one recent game the officials huddled more than the entire Dallas Cowboys offensive unit.

The rules have become so obscure and arcane that spectators don’t even understand what they saw. It looked like a catch to me but rule 9.4 section 1 (b) says that because the preceding play was a forward lateral…

These increasingly common situations leave 100,000 spectators scratching their heads, wondering if their eyes deceived them. Not to worry; at least 98,000 of them are so inebriated they simply accept the judges’ decision and stumble on to the next play, blissfully unconcerned that they just spent $2,000 to see their favorite team eliminated on a technicality they don’t even comprehend. Yet they will come to blows with some fellow spectator wearing a different jersey. The lengths people go to delude themselves never ceases to astonish.

Many fans attribute the increasing length of football games and the ubiquitous officials conference to the snowballing effect of instant replay. This is partly true and will definitely be addressed in a future essay.

For the present, I will continue to watch baseball where the only time the umpires come together is at home plate - before the game even starts.