LYIN' GUYS

Every family has their dirty laundry. There had always been talk in our family about poor Aunt Ruby having to give her baby away to the orphanage when she ‘fell in with a bad crowd’ as a teenager. What a surprise when 23 And Me, the DNA website, found my long lost cousin. I decided to pay a visit to the newest member of the family, the honorable Buford Duffy. Paris would have been a nice place to visit but Buford lives in West Virginia.

Buford promised to meet me at the airport and he was a man of his word. We hopped into his 2002 Ford pickup and began an hour and a half trip home to a town so small it had no name. People who lived there said “we live just ‘round the bend between the coal mine and the fillin’ station, and people who didn’t live there referred to it as the last place in West Virginia without indoor plumbing.

The first thing Buford did when we got in the house was offer me a glass of his homemade moonshine. I had tried moonshine before so I did my best to decline the invitation but Buford wouldn’t take no for an answer. I reluctantly took a shot. Pepto Bismol Super Extra Strength was no match for Buford’s moonshine. I spent the next hour on his couch with severe cramps and a violent headache.

“City boys don’t have the stomach to drink good whiskey,” Buford lamented as I moaned.

While writhing on the couch I noticed on the coffee table, prominently displayed, a framed diploma from Ridge Bluff High School. Buford detected I was eying it.

“Yup, that’s my wife Virna Mae’s pride and joy. Mine too. We call Virna Mae the brains of the family. Ain’t no Duffy yet got as far as she did in school. Got clear through ninth grade. First in her class too. Course it was only her and Wilbur McCoy that year. Ever’body else was either married by then or feudin’ with them dern Hatfields.”

We were suddenly interrupted by the brains of the family as she barreled out of the kitchen shrieking.

“Turn on the television, Buford. Sumpin’ goin’ on. Got to do with the Soopreme Court.”

“Oh, there they go agin,” Buford started. “Bringin’ all them womens out tryin’ to ruin good mens lives.”

“Don’t get yersef all het up agin, Buford. You know Doc Simpson said yer heart ain’t what it used to be,” Virna Mae warned.

It was then I noticed Virna Mae was wearing matching Make America Great Again hat, apron and earrings.

Thankfully, Buford took his wife’s advice and we spent some time in silence watching the Kavanaugh hearings, interrupted only by the low moaning I let out as the moonshine tore its way through my insides. When it was over Virna Mae showed why she is known as the brains of the family.

“I believe ‘em both, she pronounced. “They both of ‘em tellin’ the truth.”

“They both can’t be telling the truth. She said she was sexually assaulted by Kavanaugh. He said he didn’t do it,” I gently replied. “One of them is lying."

“No sir,” the wily Buford countered. “What if he was too drunk to remember what happened and blacked out, so he really believes he didn’t do it?” Then he’d be tellin’ the truth. Why Virna Mae tells me that not more’n six months ago I beat down old Justin Mayberry at the local bar. I swear I don’t remember a bit of it but I believe Virna Mae. It also might explain why Justin don’t talk to me no more, also why his dentures don’t seem to fit his mouth like before.”

“In that case, Buford, Kavanaugh is not only guilty of sexual assault but he’s been lying about his drinking too,” I countered.

I could see Buford was getting upset. I could also see a large .357 handgun dangerously close to Buford’s suddenly clenched, trembling fist.

I quickly changed the channel to reruns of Celebrity Apprentice and things started to calm down. The rest of our night was spent on the front porch enjoying a full moon and getting bitten by mosquitos as Buford explained his newest conspiracy theory.

“All them whackos got the Moon story wrong. They say we never got to the moon. I believe we got to the moon but they brought back an alien, a moonchild. Think about how old he’d be about now. That’s right. It was Obama."

I left early the next morning and wished my new cousin and Virna Mae a happy life.

At the airport I made a note to myself to cancel my 23 And Me subscription as soon as I get home.