DINNER TAKE ALL

It’s time to say something nice about Mike Pence. He’s been lurking in the shadows for most of his life and deserves some recognition. His is truly an American success story; rising from the obscurity of an Indiana Governor to reach the obscurity of Vice President of the United States.

After much thought however, I realized the best I could say about Mike was he has nice straight white hair. Nice straight white hair that doesn’t move. I imagine it’s what George Washington’s wig would have looked like without the perm. In fact, if you look closely at George Washington and visualize him with the hair of Mike Pence you notice an unmistakable resemblance. Come to think of it, Mike has often claimed a distant cousin of his arrived here on the Mayflower with George Washington’s family.

Mike has been making headlines lately. Well, not exactly headlines; more like New York Times page five articles. He claims to be the originator of a bizarre (he uses the word “virtuous”) social system whereby he will not have dinner alone with any female other than his wife - too much temptation. He implies the powerful female might entice poor helpless Mike into a compromising situation that would force him to call an embarrassing press conference to deny the allegations, leading to further embarrassment: a New York Times page one story. I personally feel Mike is overestimating his appeal to the opposite sex but I admit I am prejudiced against any man whose hair doesn’t move.

The “Pence Plan,” as it is commonly known, is gaining traction in this country and for that reason Mike deserves special attention. In fairness, there are some who claim George Washington originated an early form of the Pence Plan, the so-called “Washington Wiggle” but there is no solid evidence to substantiate it. No one knows for sure if George had dinner alone with other women. I know Thomas Jefferson certainly did but that’s another story. Jefferson doesn’t look like Pence anyway, even without the perm.

As I began to research the history of the Pence Plan I was surprised to find several earlier incarnations. A friend of mine, who I will call Abdul Hassan in order to protect his identity, (I was going to call him Humphrey but I actually have a friend named Humphrey), recently invited me over to dinner. It turns out Abdul practices an ancient and advanced form of the Pence Plan in that he not only will not have dinner alone with anyone but his wife, he will only have dinner with his wife if she is wearing a burka. I was quick to notice the coincidence that if Mike’s wife wore a burka she would bear a close resemblance to Abdul’s wife. Mrs. Pence has often claimed that a distant cousin of hers was on the original caravan to the Holy Land with the three wise men.

Abdul shares the same fears Mike does about the temptations of women but doesn’t seem too worried about any potential embarrassment. He mentioned something about honor killing.

Naturally when I heard the Pence Plan is actually a few thousand years old I lost a lot of faith in Mike. You can’t go around taking credit for something that was probably invented by cavemen. I wrote him a letter urging him to fess up and go back to just being the obscure Vice President of the United States. I suggested we could discuss it over dinner – with his wife, of course.